Good morning, ladies & gents!
Today I want to share some tips with you to help all of you find your true SOUL-MATE! :-) For those of you who have already found your soul-mate- kudos to you! Meeting someone so special and tailored to your life vision, inner self, interests, needs, and dreams is a rare find! For those of you who have not- do not fret! EVERYONE in this world has a soul-mate! :-)
The most important piece of information to remember is that just because your perfect mate (I use the term perfect loosely...haha!) may not be in your life at this very moment or be within a close vicinity to you does not mean that that person does not exist! Be prepared for patience, gaining independence, being yourself, and a willingness to break out of your comfort zone- and the perfect mate will gravitate towards YOU! :-)
Background about my personal love life- (skip if you want to move directly to the tips! :-) ):
I have had four major long-term relationships. I fell in love for the first time at a very young age- 13 years old to be exact. Was it even love? I do not know if it was healthy love, but it was definitely love. Ha! My first relationship was serious for my age, and lasted one year (very long compared to those of my peers). I have always been a loyal, long-term relationship individual my entire life, something that I valued, and likely inherited from not having a strong father figure growing up. I chose my first love because he doted on me, was very attractive, charming, outgoing, and a confident "bad boy" (something that was very appealing to a timid, young, and naive me at 13 years old). Obviously his taste for trouble got in the way, and I had realized that I could not be with someone irresponsible for the long haul.
My second relationship "fell into my lap" 2 weeks later (a re-occurring theme!). I chose my second partner because he was very attractive to me, outgoing, full of personality, shared similar interests, and had a lot of friends. Again, not really the best reasons to begin a serious relationship! Haha! It lasted 1 1/2 years and did not end too great. He had cheated on me with another girl, and when we had finally patched things up and reached a very positive point in our relationship, a month or two later he committed suicide (over issues unrelated to cheating). The entire event turned my life upside down for a few years, and stripped me of everything that I thought I was and had at only 16 years old. I had spent a lot of my time for the following year trying to fill the large empty void and gaping wound that was left behind when my boyfriend passed away. My efforts were largely unsuccessful! By my senior year of high school, I finally came to the realization that no one was going to replace my former boyfriend. I began to experience closure over the entire event, and was convinced that my love life would go on. I decided that if I were to ever date again, I would only be with someone who would love me for me, regardless of my appearance or looks, and who would be willing to give me in return what I would give to him.
After much hardship, having been forced to grow up in an unplanned and unpleasant way at such a young age, I began to move my life forward. My third boyfriend then came entirely out of nowhere. My best friend at the time introduced me to him, persuading me to "give him a chance". I felt forced into dating him, and was unsure about the entire thing from the start. I then realized that my prior "type" was not really working for me, and that stepping out of my comfort zone was maybe what I needed to move forward with my love life. He turned out to be the first partner that I had chosen that genuinely respected me and loved me for me. Our relationship was very deep and thrived on improving for the better good of ourselves and each other. It lasted 2 1/2 years and ended on rocky, non-mutual terms. My boyfriend felt that we should grow more, and wanted to "see other things" before he settled into a life-long relationship. We were 18, and it was becoming more apparent that he was not ready for a serious commitment, and I was. Our dreams and goals were not aligned. I was devastated and thought my love life might never go on. Haha!
I tried to desperately get my former boyfriend back for 1 week following our break-up, with no success. I had finally come to the realization that he was out of my life for a reason, and that I was in serious denial about a lot of things. He held me back from focusing on other things in my life, and stifled my success every time I would try to move forward and take on more responsibility. He had anger issues that constantly caused turmoil between us, and was simply too emotionally needy for me to handle on top of my own goals and dreams. I blindly ignored things, like a lot of people do, just to keep the person in my life that loved me for me.
After my third serious relationship, I had realized that my former mate was definitely not my soul-mate, and finally became fully content with being single. I put the desire for a relationship behind me, and focused on improving myself and building my own life. I enrolled myself full-time in college, took on the hours that I wanted at work, and began planning a path for my future. I told myself that if there is a relationship or man that is right for me, it or he will come to me when the time is right, and I let all of my concerns go. I set aside all preconceived notions about what my perfect mate should and would be like, and kept a subtle eye out for a genuine guy who wanted the same things in life as I did, and who would love me for me.
Enter-Vince, 2 weeks later. (I have removed this content for personal reasons).
It took a lot of realization and maturity before Vince came into my life. If I could share a few pieces of advice that may not be listed in these tips, it is that your soul-mate will be the person that will love you and give to you unconditionally, without expecting in return. He or she will respect you, consider you, be honest and trustworthy naturally, put effort into communicating and improving your relationship together, desire the same things in life, and always seem to be moving in the same direction. It will almost feel effortless. Any arguments that you may ever have or struggles you may go through will only make your relationship stronger. There is no resentment, blaming, or sleeping in separate beds. Your soul-mate will always work to learn from the arguments and mistakes that you may experience together, grow from them, and aim to better please you and improve your relationship. These 20 tips below are designed to help you recognize your true soul-mate when he or she is presented to you in life, and to give you some pointers on how to spot "the one" amongst a sea of individuals that may be easy to fall in love with. These 20 tips are ones that I have learned over the past 9 years that have helped me the most, and rather than expecting all of you learn through a bunch of heart-break, trial and error like I did- here is a chunk of what my heart-break, trial and error has given me.
I hope you enjoy. :-)
1) Be open-minded.
One of the most important things to remember when searching for your soul-mate is to be as open-minded as possible! You cannot expect to find the perfect mate if you already have a list of limitations several pages long spelling out who you're willing to get to know and who you're not. Let go of who you think is your "type". Focus on learning to listen well when your potential mates speak, observe their body language and topics of discussion, and get to know as many people as possible. Not every person that you meet is meant to be your soul-mate, so get used to the idea of dating! :-) Keep an eye out for the genuine person who meets up with a lot of the values and traits that you are looking for and admires and respects you for YOU, not who he or she wants you to be. :-)
2) Step out of your comfort zone.
It is so important to give people outside of your comfort zone a chance! Avoid the common pitfall of signing off on a relationship or fling that may not be right for you. Go out, talk and share thoughts, experiences, and ideas with potential mates, and take enough time to get to know each individual that you meet. Respect that person for who they are, and recognize if their personality, values, goals, and dreams do not blend well with yours. Nothing is wrong with them if they do not, and nothing is wrong with you. That person's mind, heart, and soul is just simply not aligned with yours. Wish them love, and send them on their way. :-)
3) Focus on improving.
Do not make the mistake of focusing all of your energy on aggressively going after a mate when you are in search of "the one". Aggressively seeking a mate only leads to bad relationship choices, and a blurred vision of reality and who your mate truly is. Instead, focus your energy on improving yourself! By bettering yourself, you will become a more confident person (which will immediately make you more attractive), you will have more to offer another individual (automatically leading to more potential interest in you), and you will find that good mates will start to gravitate towards you. :-)
4) Be patient.
One of the best tips that I can give anyone looking for their true soul-mate is to be PATIENT! Never put all of your eggs in one basket. Focus on your own life and becoming a better person, and the great mate will "fall into your lap" when the time is right. :-)
5) Listen.
This is so essential when keeping an eye out for "the one"! Rather than focusing on what you are going to say next, really listen and care about what potential mates you meet are talking about. Make it your new goal to make every conversation that you have with a date important. Really listen to what they have to say and give a genuine response. And remember, if what they have to share is not important to you- that person is probably not your soul-mate!
6) Observe.
When looking for "the one", it is important to spend a lot of time observing your potential partners! Have you ever heard the saying, "actions speak louder than words"? Well, it's true! Some questions to ask yourself when on a date are: What is this individual doing with their free time? Does their body language indicate that they are insecure; do they seem self-centered? Does their personality blend well with mine? Is he or she kind? How does he or she treat their family members? Is he or she a good listener or just a talker? These are important facts to consider when determining if a person is truly right for you!
7) Put others before yourself.
This is SO important when trying to find your true soul-mate! Too many people spend their time focusing on whether their own needs are met or not, and forget to fully address whether the needs of their partner are being met. If we focus on fulfilling our partner's needs 100%, and our partner focuses 100% on fulfilling ours, everyone will ALWAYS be taken care of in a relationship! Remember that healthy and real relationships never work in a 50-50 exchange. Someone will always give more or less one day or week, and the other will always give more or less at another time. Stop focusing on tallying who does what, and focus on giving all that you can GIVE! A relationship with that much unconditional effort put into it can never fail. :-)
8) Work towards better communication skills.
Communication skills are the key to relationship success. Poor communication skills are also the number one reason that many marriages and relationships fail! Work on learning to see things from perspectives different from your own, listen to each potential mate that you meet, and try to understand where each individual is coming from. This will allow you to better understand your potential partners' differences. Understanding differences is an important skill to master because it will help you better judge whether each potential mate that you meet is truly "the one"! Remember that despite differences, every individual wants and needs to feel important, accepted, and that their thoughts and feelings are being considered. Really consider each person that you meet, whether they are your soul-mate or not, and you will be surprised what type of treatment you will get in return! :-)
9) Be and stay positive.
As much as you do not want to be with someone who is a constant downer on your day and life, neither does your potential partner! Make it a habit to see the positives of every situation and be supportive. You will find that positive people will start to fill your life and great potential mates cannot help but surround you.
10) Gain independence.
No healthy relationship will work if an individual is too dependent. Rather than searching for someone to fill all of your emotional empty voids and solve all of your problems, focus on solving them yourself and make yourself a healthy, well-rounded person who has a lot to offer another individual. The right relationship will be effortless when you have two whole individuals meeting and coming together to enhance each others lives!
11) Have fun.
As much as being serious is necessary, so is having fun! No one wants to be with someone who is boring! Put your best foot forward at all times (this includes even after you are married!), be positive, motivating, and have fun! Potential mates will not be able to stop themselves from gravitating towards you! :-)
12) Be supportive.
Being supportive is just as important as finding a mate who is supportive of you. You cannot expect to find your true soul-mate if you constantly denounce or go against everything that other people say. Allow each person that you meet to have an opinion, point of view, and their own decisions and dreams. Giving that freedom to each person will make the right people who can produce a level-headed, mature, and healthy relationship surround you, and the ones who are 'not so right' move away! :-)
13) Develop self-worth.
Self-worth is essential for any healthy relationship. Without confidence and the knowledge that you are worth something, you are not "whole enough" to be advertising yourself to others as a potential partner. A lack of self worth will make problem-solver type mates gravitate towards you and constantly have to work to try and fulfill you. You do not want this to become a habit in your relationship if you want a healthy one. It is exhausting to have to constantly try and work to fulfill another person's empty voids and needs. Realize that confidence and happiness come from within YOURSELF, not others, and work towards making yourself whole. Then decide to date people!
14) Avoid rebound dating.
I see this mistake so much. Talking to other women or men after getting out of a serious relationship in an attempt to fill empty voids or make ourselves feel better will not fix things. This leads to poor relationship choices, a blurred sense of reality as far as who you are choosing to date, and leads to hurting other people's feelings who are actually in search of their realistic potential soul-mate! Toss the band-aid approach and attack the issue at its source. If you are grieving over the loss of a loved one, GRIEVE! Yes it is uncomfortable, and of course you want to just skip the entire step- but realize that that person is no longer in your life at this moment for a reason. Point out all of those reasons and realize that it ended for a good cause and is now part of your past. There is a new chapter ahead of you that the universe is waiting for you to take hold of. Do not be blind to it, and embrace it! :-)
15) Let go of perfection.
There is no such thing as being perfect! Expecting your dates and potential mates to be perfect is unrealistic, exhausting, and leads to high expectations and disappointment. Rather than thinking that desiring "perfection" out of others and your mates is a positive attribute that demonstrates your self-worth, realize that you are not meant to be the judge of who is perfect and who is not. Focus on perfecting yourself, and expect very little from others. Individuals who align with your values, tendencies, and goals will be much more likely to gravitate towards you. :-)
16) Realize that everything happens for a reason.
Rather than beating yourself up over dates that go wrong, or relationships that you wanted that just did not work out- realize that everything happens for a reason. If a relationship was meant to be, there would not be this much struggle to try and make it work. Ask yourself every time you feel that a relationship is about to end: does or did this relationship add 90% or more good to my life and only 10% or less bad? If you can say yes, it is worth fighting for. If the answer is no, move on. It ended for a reason!
17) See and focus on the positive attributes in every person.
This is very important when keeping an eye out for your soul-mate, and also helps to bring out the best in the people around you. If you just keep nit-picking at all of the things wrong with your date(s), you may forget to realize the very positive attributes about their personality that may be hard to find in another person. From each date that you go on, it is important to learn what you are willing to accept and what you are not. By observing many different types of people, get an eye for who is going to blend well with you and your life and who is not. On your future dates, now look for those POSITIVE attributes that you have decided you desire in another person, rather than pointing out the negative ones! :-)
18) Take care of yourself.
By taking care of yourself, you show potential mates how you like to be treated! If a date sees that you spend very little time putting effort into presenting or taking care of yourself, that you are lazy or in-active, that you take more than you give, or that you do not have many desires, goals, or interests in life- it will be expected he or she does not have to put much effort into taking care of YOU!
19) Take care of the ones you love.
This goes hand in hand with taking care of yourself. Treat others how you would like to be treated! If you want to be respected, respect others. If you want to be heard, hear others. If you want to receive love, give love to others. :-)
20) Give more, expect less.
This is essential for finding and landing any good relationship, and especially for meeting/finding your true soul-mate! If you are too focused on what you receive and forget to spend most of your time on what you give, you are not going to be too likely to attract a quality mate for the long haul. Learn to give without expecting in return, and you will find that kind, devoted, and loyal individuals will surround you. :-)
I hope that you all take these 20 tips into consideration. Perhaps they can help some of you who maybe just keep meeting and dating all of the wrong people, or seem to keep stumbling among the same crowd of old dates in hopes that things will change. Remember that age is just a number, and that you are not late, nor is anyone else early for finding their soul-mate at a different time. Every individual meets their soul-mate at the perfect time that is meant to make their relationship work. Be patient, open-minded, thoughtful in your decisions, and focus on advancing YOU!
The perfect mate will fall into your lap in no time. :-)
Have a great day, everyone!
Xo -Jess
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